Social groups have a strong predisposition towards death rituals. Elephants, chimpanzees and magpies all show grieving and funeral rituals. Some Buddhist Tibetans and Mongolians carry out ‘sky burials’, where bodies are left at the top of a mountain to be ravaged by vultures, who then carry the deceased’s soul to heaven. I’m not too familiar with my local council’s bye-laws, but I’m fairly sure they would not allow us to troop up a hillside with a dead body and leave it to be pecked at by passing crows. So I tend to stick to the more usual practice of a service conducted in a crematorium, natural burial ground or woodland, cemetery, memorial chapel etc. As I am a civil funeral celebrant, I don’t lead ceremonies in religious settings such as a church or mosque.
So what is in a civil funeral? The short answer is ‘whatever you like‘ but that isn’t necessarily very helpful, so I’d like to share some ideas of things to think about if you’d like me to lead a funeral ceremony for you.
I don’t have a funeral script. Each and every funeral that I conduct is written specially. My aim is to produce a personal service, one which reflects the wishes, values and beliefs of your family as well as the deceased’s personality, interests and achievements. I want your family to know that everything I do is to help you have the funeral you want, to make saying goodbye for the last time a meaningful and relevant occasion.
Let’s start with…
Many funeral services incorporate music, most often a piece of entrance music, to accompany the funeral procession and then another as the mourners leave at the end of the service (‘exit’ music). It’s also common to choose a third piece, to play at the committal, or as the background to a short period of quiet reflection. But if your family doesn’t have a particular love of music, you don’t have to have any at all – or you could include other accompaniments such as birdsong, story tapes for young children, or the sounds of the sea.
The majority of crematoria have special music systems where the music is pre-programmed in advance of the service – I can help arrange this. However you may also like to include a musical contribution which is played live on the day, by musicians, a soloist or group of singers.
With an endless array of music to choose from, you could opt for classical, jazz or pop music. With or without lyrics, rousing or calming, sombre or joyful. Here is a link to the Co-op’s most popular funeral music. Some of it may surprise you!
If you’d like music you can think along the lines of tunes which have a special relevance to your family – the tape in the car on long journeys, ‘your song’, classical pieces which you play or sing together, melodies from the dance hall or school disco, lullabies or nursery rhymes for babies, film soundtracks, folk music, opera, bagpipes. Songs with explicit lyrics usually have ‘censored versions’ and so they may have their place e.g. at a young person’s funeral.
And what about hymns? Although I don’t lead religious ceremonies, I am happy to include a hymn in a funeral if that is what the family would like. Traditional hymns such as ‘The Lord is my Shepherd‘ and ‘Abide with Me‘ often resonate deeply with families for many reasons other than purely religious ones. You can choose to sing the hymn, or simply listen to it.
For most families, music is an integral part of a funeral ceremony – sometimes the deceased will have talked about what they would like played. But if not and you’d like some help choosing, I’m happy to make suggestions.
The last waltz can be a poignant reminder of your loved one.